This is going to be a post that if you’re looking for happy, bubbly Cara, you might need to come back next week. I’m exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I have a feeling it will show.
There’s a situation in my life that has drained me of hope. It doesn’t really matter what the situation is, all that matters is that it is. Know what I mean?
So at two this morning when I couldn’t sleep despite my exhaustion, I was journaling and crying and begging God, “Where are You? Why do I feel like I’m bleeding and I can’t find you?”
Maybe you’ve had a season that’s held a similar heart’s cry as a rallying point.
My head knows God is here. My head knows God is faithful. My head knows God is a good Father. But my heart isn’t feeling it. My heart is numb. As I read through my journal from the last months, there’s just such emotional weariness. So I’m intentionally mining for hope, because it’s not resting on the surface of my life.
Maybe you’re in a similar place. Hope seems so elusive and illusory. To hope is to “Trust in, wait for, look for, or desire something or someone; or to expect something beneficial in the future.” (See this website.) Without a vision the people perish. (Proverbs 29:18). Without hope life becomes hard. The fog that surrounds our next steps makes movement scary and filled with fear. But I know that’s not where God wants me (us) to live.
God promises that when we place our hope in Him, we will not be disappointed (Isaiah 49:23). He promises that His eyes are on those who fear Him and hope in His unfailing love. (Psalm 33:18). David also asks in that Psalm “May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.” (Psalm 33:22). There’s an action there. I have to place my hope in the Lord. How can I do that when I don’t feel hope? Is this a fake it till you make it scenario? Or is there something deeper? These are the kinds of questions I’m wrestling with right now.
And then I read Romans 5:5 (MSG) which states, “We find ourselves standing whee we always hoped we might stand–out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.” This is where I usually live. This is where I want to live again. Standing tall in my identity in Christ, shouting His praise at the top of my lungs. Because, as the NIV puts in it that verse, “Hope does not disappoint because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
So today, I may not feel hope. But I’m choosing to believe God can give it to me today. That over the dark of night, I’ll begin to see the sliver of sunlight cresting the horizon. That today I will be one step closer to living out of a place of hope.