Six years ago, I experienced my first miscarriage. Sometime about now that baby would have been born. If you know anything about my story, you know that was a deep valley in my soul. I still cry when I think of that time and that loss.
My arms still feel empty at times. And I’ll catch myself looking at our four healthy, beautiful children and wonder about the two we haven’t met yet. I’ll be completely fine, and then something will spark a wondering.
I won’t know this side of heaven.
But this I do know. God is a God of restoration. For each baby we lost, we have a child who delights my heart. One I cannot imagine my family without. And the timing of it all dictates that with one I wouldn’t have the other.
I can sing with abandon that God makes all things new. That it is okay to wrestle with God. As Beth Moore said in a CD I listened to this week, it’s when we wrestle with God that we are still turned toward Him. In those dark days, you might find me curled on the floor, but you would always find me asking God why. Demanding answers. Desperate to see how He could turn my pain into good. He has and He will if you are in a similar position.
This I know to the very core of who I am. God will take your pain and give you joy. He’ll give you a new name like He did Jacob after Jacob wrestled. Our questions don’t scare God.