I just got back from ACFW Sunday night…and have been diving back into life since then. As I focus on what happened at the conference, I come back to the reality that I am nothing without God.
- My dreams…bankrupt without Him to breathe life into them.
- My friendships…filled with self without Him to turn the focus to service.
- My ambitions…meaningless without Him to direct.
- My very presence…worthless without His light to shine through me to those around me.
Sometimes I need that reminder. Anyone else?
I can walk into the hotel with the deep desire to serve others, and then slip into feeling invisible. Or I can walk into a coffee shop and spend time ministering to others on this journey. Maybe someday I’ll truly be able to serve others like Christ without a thought to where I am in comparison.
That comparison game can be brutal.
- My kids aren’t as well-behaved as yours.
- My kids are better smarter, dumber, nicer, more or less athletic than yours.
- I wish I was kind and patient like XX.
- I wish people looked at me and saw the light of Jesus like they do so effortlessly in Robin or Kristy.
I could pretend that I have it all together, but I don’t.
Instead, I’m just another woman walking the journey of faith and life. Wondering when the day will arrive that I’ll arrive. I’ll be enough.
Instead, I spend my days feeling pulled in so many directions I’d have to be Elasti-girl to not break. And I rip, I tear, I bleed, I cry, I wonder if I’ll ever get it all together and walk through life with the grace and poise I long to have. Even when I’m trying to be my most careful and considerate of others, I’ll unintentionally hurt someone.
And in the wondering, the waiting, the questioning, I’ve come to realize, I never will be enough. Never. And maybe this people-pleasing, lifelong Type A isn’t supposed to be enough or do enough.
But with Christ, because of Christ, I can be enough in the moment to extend a hand, a word, a prayer. It’s in those spirit led moments where I stop looking at me, and look fully at the other, that I sense God’s smile. When I’m overwhelmed to tears by the reality that my Daddy loves me and is pleased. Oh to live in that place. I’m not there yet, but maybe one day I can live there in that space where this weak, broken women connects with the Holy Spirit to touch a world that so desperately needs Him.
I’m grateful…so very grateful. How about you?