This blog post has run through my mind for days, so I’m going to stop and write it.
Deep breath.
This is another one of those gut-level honest posts.
I’ve experienced a little grief in my life when one set of grandparents died and when a uncle died. We also lost our dog (and first child in many senses) very unexpectedly a couple months ago. All of those were big losses.
But I’m learning that the death of a child through a miscarriage falls into a whole other plane…and very few people understand. Unless you’ve had one, most people don’t get it (with rare exceptions).
My family doesn’t understand. My friends don’t understand. Even my husband struggles to understand though he tries.
To each of them, it is a loss – a real loss – but a one-time loss.
It couldn’t be farther from that for me. Each month I am reminded that I’m not pregnant. Then there are the times that my son or daughter will say something innocent that reminds me again that we’re waiting for a baby. Or that they still think the baby will arrive someday. Or I’ll pick up my son and think I shouldn’t be able to do that because I should be nine months pregnant.
There’s the count-down of what a normal pregnancy looks like. The dates that you anticipated after the baby was born. And the one I dread, almost fear, the due date. That one’s barreling at me, and it’s easy to feel like everyone else has forgotten while I’m curled up in a fetal position wondering how I will survive that day.
I’m not prone to depression, but there are days that I truly struggle to find the positive in life.
Now don’t get me wrong. Life is still good. God is still good.
But there is also real pain. And if you know someone who has experienced a miscarriage, please remember that the pain doesn’t end – in fact in some ways it builds.
So pray for them. Ask how they are really doing. Because you may be the only one who cares enough to remember and ask.
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I found this resource this week, and it will help those who may have had a miscarriage know they are not alone and help those who are watching a woman struggle understand a bit more what she is going through.
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And on a lighter note…the new Point of Grace video is out. You can check it out here…Beautiful video and song. That could be an anthem for all of us. It’s not who you knew…It’s not what you did…but how you lived…
Comments 4
Oh, Cara, what an honest and touching post. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I still remember when you shared this with the prayer loop. I have thought of you several times and continue to pray for you. I’m asking the Lord to wrap His arms around you to comfort you. Take hold of His hand and know He loves you as you walk through these days with Him. Love and prayers, Carrie T.
Hi Cara,
I doubt you remember me but I am(or was) part of the group and did attend a couple of meetings. I try to keep abreast of what is going on through post and blogs. I just read your post, though I’ve never read yours before. Now I know why. It’s a God thing.
First, I am so sorry for your loss of your baby. May God heal you and comfort you only in the way He can. I also, lost a child through miscarriage when I was young. I am now 58(tomorrow). I was devestated. But what was just as devastating was how it seemed forgotten by everyone so soon after it happened. I didn’t blame anyone because I’m sure it didn’t seem real to them yet. I was four months. But it was very real to me and to this day, I mourn that child…but I have healed. As in all loss and mourning God and time heals and brings new persective and hope.
My daughter in law and son just miscarried this month and they are very sad. They have 3 beautiful sons and just adopted a little girl from russia. What a blessing she is. They found out right before they left to get her. I was thinking, maybe your would be a comfort to her. I will send her your blog sight.
Our family has been through many trials this year. My husband had a home accident in January and suffered a broken neck, heart attack and traumatic brain injury. He will be coming home from the hospital this weekend for the first time. Our life will never be the same. But I have hope that God will use our new life and all the miracles he performed in the past 6 months to encourage others and help us grow in Him. All our kids have been impacted and suffered much.
Pain is pain, no matter what form it comes in. But we serve a mighty God who will take our pain and turn it to great joy, in Him. We only need to remember, we are not alone and this isn’t all there is. But does it hurt now…oh yes.
God be with you.
Sue
Oh Cara, I do know your pain… I think I’m sort of in a denial phase right now…I don’t like to think about it; but other times…I’m overwhelmed. Thank you for such an honest, raw post…We have to remember those who lose babies and dreams this way.
Leanne
I’ve never lost a baby but went through a similar feeling when we weren’t able to conceive. People just said the most stupid things to me like I was being too sensitive about wanting to be a mother.
Not saying anyone is saying stupid things to you, but I think people just don’t understand what we as women go through as mothers or mothers to be. The emotions are so real and raw that it’s easy to understand why you’re still hurting.
I’m praying for you specifically about this and will continue to do so.