I’ve learned several things through the miscarriges about grief and how I process it. I’ll share a few today in case they might help you as you try to understand or be supportive of someone you know going through grief. A couple things hit me this week that made me think this might be a good time to share.
1) Sometimes I may be breaking under the weight of grief. I may cry out for help — actually I probably will send a text or email to carefully selected folks letting them know that I am breaking. You know who you are from this latest round. I am so incredibly grateful for you because there are days I don’t respond well to the grief, anger and mix of emotions, but I know your support and prayers are what carry me through. But if you call, I may answer and be incredibly buoyed by your call. Or I may listen to your message, thank God for putting you in my life to support me, but I might not answer or respond for a few days. The reason? I’ve learned that if I walk through that particular segment of the journey with more than two or three people, I may throw myself back into that pit. I need to talk about it, but I can’t live there. Does that make sense? So please don’t take it personally if you call and get an email in response. I may be too drained and precarious to actually talk to you at that moment.
2) Please share your good news. I got great news write before I sat down that broke my heart all over again. Fortunately, I could be incredibly excited during the call — and believe me, I really am. Yet emotions are incredibly complex and my heart breaks again at what I’ve lost even as I celebrate with you. This has happened with both miscarriages that someone near and dear to me got pregnant at the same time, waited to tell me because they wanted to respect me and what I was processing. With the one, I cried every time I held her daughter for about a year since the birth dates would have overlapped. I could rejoice (and still do) in the amazing miracle and blessing that baby is, while mourning what I had lost. The same with the miracle I just learned about. I’m crying as I type these words, partly in sadness, but partly in joy. God has certainly made our emotions complex and layered things.
So please don’t hide your joy, but don’t be surprised if I smile while tears course down my face.
3) Men and women greive a miscarriage completely differently…but this post is so long I’ll leave it at that for the moment.